It's more assembly than cooking. It's Chicago-style hot dogs or soy dogs!

I decided that today I wouldn't cook much. But instead, I'm going on a Yeti assembly-line spree! I'm going to post information that will allow you, the reader at home, or at work, or slacking off at school, to make your very own, authentic, Chicago-style hot dogs and soy dogs. All of the ingredients are the same for both versions, except for the hot dogs vs. soy dogs. And the cooking techniques are a little different, but I'll get to that in a minute.

For those of you Yeti not familiar with the Chicagoland area food specialties, there are a number of well-known ones. Deep dish pizza and eye-talian beef are two of them. But every Chicago Bigfoot knows how to make a Chicago hot dog. Don't be intimidated by the ingredients list. If you are going to make a bunch of these, it's just like setting up an assembly line and doing the same thing over and over. You'll see. By the way, the snowdogs don't get to eat these at all because raw onion is toxic to snowdog metabolisms. And you can never put ketchup on a Chicago dog, soy or animal. It's just wrong. Never. Nope, not even now.

Chicago-style hot dogs (or soy dogs) or "a salad on a bun"

Ingredients:
yellow mustard, not Dijon or brown
sweet pickle relish, the bright green kind if you can find it
yellow onion, small dice
2 cucumber slices per dog, quite thin
2 tomato wedges per dog
celery salt
sport peppers, or tabasco peppers, or pepperocini if you can't find the others and you're desperate (the peppers are optional)
dill pickles cut into wedges lengthwise, one per dog
Kosher beef franks for regular dogs
soy dogs (I prefer Yves brand Good Dogs) for soy dogs
hot dog buns

Preparation:
Put all your vegetable ingredients in easy-to-handle containers, like small bowls for the chopped onion and tomato slices, etc.

Kosher beef franks should be steamed or boiled until heated through. Soy dogs require some sort of grilling to have the nice external texture required for a Chicago-style dog experience. When the dog of your choice is heated through (but not snowdogs), place the dog inside one of your hot dog buns. Traditionally, the buns are slightly warmed, either on a steam table or in the oven briefly, but it's not necessary. Once you have your hot dogs safely in the bun, you can start assembly. Put a single line of mustard down one side of the dog, and an even spoonful of relish down the other side. Not too much relish, only about a teaspoon full. Put about a half teaspoon of chopped onion in a line on top of the mustard. The mustard will help hold the onion in place. Slide two cucumber slices down one side of the bun next to the dog. They would look like OO next to each other. Tuck the tomato wedges in, pointy-side down, next to the cucumbers on the same side of the dog. Sprinkle a small amount of celery salt on the dog, add 2 peppers per dog if desired, and put a dill pickle wedge on top.

There you go, an authentic Chicago-style experience. You'll be the envy of the neighborhood and all the Cubs Yeti fans and White Sox Sasquatch fans and Da Bears Bigfoot fans and Orange and Blue will flock to your door to pet the snowdogs behind the ears and eat a Chicago-style dog and say Hey! Hey! Holy Cow!

Feeds about 6-8 dogs per Yeti or Chicagoan, 2-4 dogs per normal person.